Saw 2 (2005)

Date Watched: Jul 17th 2018

Verdict: THUMBS UP! 🙂

Plot:

Informant Michael Marks awakens in a room with a spike-filled mask locked around his neck. A videotape informs him that in order to unlock the device, he must cut into his eye to obtain the key. He sets off the timer and finds the scalpel, but cannot bring himself to retrieve the key and is killed after sixty seconds when the mask closes.

At the scene of Marks’ game, Detective Allison Kerry finds a message for her former partner, Detective Eric Matthews, and calls him in. Despite not wanting to be involved in the case, Eric reluctantly joins Kerry and Sergeant Daniel Rigg in leading a SWAT team to the factory which produced the lock from Marks’ trap. There they find and apprehend John Kramer, the Jigsaw Killer, who is weak from cancer. He indicates several computer monitors showing eight people trapped in a house; including his only known survivor Amanda Young, and Eric’s estranged son Daniel. The other victims are called Xavier, Gus, Jonas, Laura, Addison, and Obi. A nerve agent filling the house will kill them all within two hours, but John assures Eric that if he follows the rules of his own game, by simply talking with John, he will see Daniel again. At Kerry’s urging, Eric agrees in order to buy time for the tech team to arrive and trace the video signal.

The victims are informed by a micro-cassette recorder that antidotes are hidden throughout the house; one is in the room’s safe, and they have the combination with the “numbers in the back of their mind.” Xavier ignores a warning note and uses the key provided with the cassette on the door, which fires a bullet through the peephole as Gus looks through it, killing him. They search the house for more antidotes after the door opens, but with no success. After discovering a door, the group travel to the basement where Obi, who is revealed to have helped with the abductions, is forced into a crematory oven to obtain two antidotes. He inadvertently activates the trap and is burned to death before the others can save him, destroying the antidotes as well. In another room, Xavier’s test is to go into a pit full of needles and retrieve the key to the door in two minutes but he instead throws Amanda into the pit and forces her to do it which she fearfully feels unable by all the needles but Xavier rushes her. Pressured, she digs her way in the needle pit until finally retrieving the key which she gives to Xavier, but the group runs out of time to unlock the door containing the antidote and he leaves out of frustration. Throughout the game, the victims discuss connections between them and determine that each has been jailed before; with the sole exception of Daniel.

Meanwhile, John passes the time with both idle and cryptic chat, eventually telling Eric that his survival of a suicide attempt after his diagnosis is the true reason for his games. With the little time he has left, he wants to inspire in others the new appreciation for life he had found. Not interested in any of this, Eric runs out of patience and returns to the monitors. He destroys several of John’s documents and sketches at Kerry’s suggestion, but fails to provoke John. As the tech team arrives, John reveals the connection between the victims: Eric has framed all of them for various crimes, and Daniel will be in danger if his identity is discovered.

Having left the others, Xavier returns to the safe room and finds a colored number on the back of Gus’ neck. After realizing the answer to the clue, he kills Jonas with a spiked bat for his number after a brief fight and begins hunting the others. Laura succumbs to the nerve agent and dies, after finding the clue revealing Daniel’s identity. Addison and Amanda abandon him, but Amanda returns after finding Jonas’ body. Addison finds a glass box containing an antidote, but her arms become trapped in the arm holes which are lined with hidden blades, Xavier attempts to help but when he reads Addison’s number, he leaves her to die. Amanda and Daniel find a tunnel in the safe room which leads to the bathroom from the first film. Daniel collapses inside just before Xavier finds them. Amanda notes that he cannot read his own number, so he skins a piece of the back of his neck off. As he approaches Amanda as an attempt to kill her, Daniel, who feigned his collapse, jumps in the way and slashes his throat with a hacksaw, killing him.

Having seen Xavier chasing his son, Eric brutally assaults John and forces him to lead him to the house. John’s sitting area is revealed to be a lift, which they use to leave the factory. The tech team tracks the video’s source and Rigg leads his team to a house, where they find VCRs playing previously recorded images. As Kerry realizes the game took place before they found John, the timer expires and a large safe opens, revealing Daniel bound and breathing into an oxygen mask. Eric enters the house alone and eventually locates the bathroom, where he is attacked by a pig-masked figure. He awakens shackled at the ankle to a pipe, and a tape recorder left by Amanda reveals that she is John’s accomplice and intends to continue his work after he dies. Amanda suddenly appears in the doorway, and says “game over” before sealing the door, leaving Eric to die.

Thoughts:

I’m sure I can remember watching The Crystal Maze when I was about 9 and thinking “They should do a horror movie based on this show” and low and behold six years later we got Saw 2. How did the Hell did Leigh Whannell get inside my head?!

This is a major improvement on the first film (which I already thought was pretty good) in terms of story and performance. There are so many horror movie sequels that know that all they have to do is the same as the first but with a higher body count. There is an element of that in this movie but it’s done in a very clever way and manages to weave a narrative full of well thought out twists and turns throughout the film. The twist at the end of the movie where it turns out…SPOILER ALERT…that the footage the police have been watching of the victims in the house has not been live and that the events presented to as having happened concurrently with the action in Jigsaws lair actually happened ages ago as absolutely brilliant. I’m so shocked that someone hasn’t done this kind of brilliant twist before this movie. They also doing a good job of fishing out the characters (at least the ones who make it past the first few rooms). If you don;t spend any time giving your characters a personality then an audience wont feel anything when they get killed and the movie does a good job of giving each of the characters a unique attitude which in turn contribute to the flow of the story. Initially you hope they all make it out alive but as the movie progresses you see that the characters were either not so innocent or they become more selfish in the pursuit of survival.

The performances from this cast a a million times better than the phoned in dogshit that the two leads in the original gave including two great central performances from the detective and Jigsaw (The “Drinking that glass of water” scene still gives me goosebumps to this day”. But thankfully just because the movie has improved in terms of performance and story doesn’t mean it’s starting to slack on the one element of the movie that drew fans to it in the first place: the gore. There’s some really shocking imagery such as grizzly opening scene that’s quite hard to watch and the scene where the con cuts the skin on the back of his own neck off in order to get his number that will help him open the safe, it excellently demonstrates what a psychopath he is.

This is easily the best movie in the whole series and one of my personal favourite horror films of all time.

If you’ve enjoyed today’s blog then be sure to click “follow” and tell your friends as I constantly review movies so a new blog-post should be just around the corner. I also have another blog where I write about all the crazy shit that has happened to me during the week called “Why Is Everyone So Fucking Stupid?” which is available to read here. If you create a WordPress account and click “follow” then you will be emailed every time a new blog is published so you will never miss an edition of Cool and Groovy, Sexy Movies or Why Is Everyone So Fucking Stupid?

Saw (2004)

Date Watched: Jul 16th 2018

Verdict: THUMBS UP! 🙂

Plot:

Adam, a photographer, awakens in a bathtub in a large dilapidated bathroom, chained at the ankle to a pipe. Lawrence Gordon, an oncologist, is chained to a pipe across the room. Between them is a corpse holding a revolver and a microcassette recorder. Both men find a tape in their pockets, and Adam is able to retrieve the recorder. Adam’s tape urges him to escape the bathroom. Lawrence’s tape tells him to kill Adam by six o’clock, or his wife and daughter will be killed and he will be left to die. Adam finds a bag containing two hacksaws inside a toilet, which they try to use to cut through their chains, but Adam’s saw breaks and he throws it at the mirror in frustration. Lawrence realizes that the hacksaws are meant to be used on their feet, not their chains. He identifies their captor as the Jigsaw Killer, whom Lawrence knows of because he was once a suspect.

Flashbacks show that while Lawrence was discussing the terminal brain cancer of a patient named John Kramer, he was approached by Detectives David Tapp and Steven Sing, who found his penlight at the scene of a Jigsaw “game”. Lawrence’s alibi cleared him, but he agreed to view the testimony of the only known survivor of one of Jigsaw’s games, heroin addict Amanda Young. Amanda escaped one of Jigsaw’s traps and believes Jigsaw helped her.

In the present Lawrence’s wife and daughter, Alison and Diana, are held captive in their home. Their captor is watching Adam and Lawrence through a camera hidden behind the bathroom’s two-way mirror. The house is simultaneously watched by Tapp, who has since been discharged from the force. Tapp became obsessed with the Jigsaw case after Amanda’s testimony and eventually found Jigsaw’s warehouse using the videotape from Amanda’s game. He and Sing entered the warehouse, where they apprehended Jigsaw and saved a man from a drill trap. Jigsaw escaped after slashing Tapp’s throat, and Sing was killed by a quadruple shotgun trap while pursuing him. Convinced that Lawrence is Jigsaw, Tapp continued stalking him after his discharge.

In the bathroom, Lawrence finds a box containing two cigarettes, a lighter, and a one-way cellphone. He then recalls his abduction: he was trying to use his phone after being trapped in a parking garage, and was suddenly attacked by a pig-masked figure. They try to use a cigarette dipped in the corpse’s poisoned blood to stage Adam’s death, but the plan fails when Adam is zapped through his ankle chain. Adam then recalls his own abduction: he was in his photo development room when the power went out and, after finding a puppet, he was attacked by the same pig-masked figure. Alison calls Lawrence at gunpoint and tells him not to trust Adam, who admits that he was being paid to take photos of Lawrence, many of which were in the bag containing the hacksaws. Adam also reveals his knowledge of Lawrence’s affair with one of his medical students, whom he had visited the night he was abducted. After urging Adam to describe the man who was paying him, Lawrence realizes that it was Tapp. Adam then finds a photo he didn’t take, of a man staring out a window of Lawrence’s house, whom Lawrence identifies as Zep, an orderly at his hospital. Unfortunately, the clock strikes six as he realizes this, and Zep moves to kill Alison and Diana.

Alison manages to free herself and fights Zep for the gun, after he calls Lawrence. The struggle gets Tapp’s attention, and he saves Alison and Diana and chases Zep to the sewers, where he is eventually shot in the chest after a brief struggle. Lawrence, aware only of gunshots and screaming, is electrically shocked as well and loses reach of the phone. In desperation, he saws off his foot and shoots Adam with the corpse’s revolver. Zep enters the bathroom to kill Lawrence because it is “the rules”, but Adam, who only suffered a flesh wound, overpowers Zep and bludgeons him to death with the toilet tank lid. As Lawrence crawls out of the room to find help, Adam searches Zep’s body for a key and finds another microcassette recorder, which reveals that Zep was another victim following rules in order to obtain an antidote for a slow-acting poison in his body. As the tape ends, the “corpse” rises and is revealed to be Lawrence’s patient John Kramer, the real Jigsaw killer. He reveals that the key to Adam’s chain was in the bathtub he woke up in, which went down the drain when Adam first woke up. Adam attempts to shoot John with Zep’s gun, but John activates a remote control, shocking Adam. John then shuts off the lights, and yells “Game Over”, before sealing the door, leaving Adam to die

Thoughts:

Saw by no means invented the torture sub-genre of horror but it made such an impact and did it so well that many audiences consider this film to be the birth of a new kind of horror movie.

On paper the concept for the original Saw movie seems like such a bland and easy idea for a movie. Two guys locked in a room together have to hurt or mutilate themselves in order to escape. Luckily people weren’t dismissive of the base concept and realized that Saw is a lot more layered than that and that there is a much grander story waiting to be unraveled. It just goes to show that even a movie with such a base premise can surprise you and even become a major franchise so you perhaps shouldn’t be as dismissive. What I find really impressive about the movie is that it manages to be brilliantly entertaining without being all that scary or sickening. The bear trap scene where Amanda disembowels her friend to get a key is the only really gruesome scene in the movie (the foot slicing scene happens off screen) so I think you could almost slit this movie into the “thriller” section because aside from the foot cutting scene at the end of the movie there’s nothing all that grizzly in the movie but it still has the look, tone and editing of a brilliant horror movie (and the scares would be waiting in future films).

The film contains a really great almost heavy metal sounding gritty soundtrack and accompany’s really quick editing and sharp camera work during the flashback scenes and the scenes with the traps which really help to build suspense. We only get a brief taste of Jigsaw in this film but it’s enough to make an impression and to make us want to see more in future films. The idea of a manipulating villain who gets his victims to kill themselves rather than do the deed himself feels like it has been done before (Se7en) but since this is the first films and we don’t get full on Jigsaw until the next movie there is still a sense of mystique and wondering what would drive a man to go so bat shot crazy.

The story jumps back and forth between the past and present and it’s really impressive how manage to build on the unfolding narrative while also constructing a backstory for the events of the movie without having to resort to cheap exposition. The story of the police officers trying to price together what happened for Jigsaw’s victims in the flashbacks are really great to sit back and watch unfold as are the scenes where Adam and Lawrence gradually become more aware of why they are in this nightmarish situation.

Speaking of Adam and Lawrence let’s get to the only real drawback of this film: their performances. Good God these two actors are fucking amateurs! It’s as if these two have been asked to act in a film despite having no idea what acting is or what a film is. The look of fear on their faces is not because they are becoming one with their characters but because their acting coach is just off camera threatening to throw a beer bottle at them if they don’t act better. The performances of the supporting cast are great but Holy Hell did these two get on my nerves.

These films are much derided by critics and fans of more “sophisticated” horror but I think that these movies have a lot more going for them than people I’ve them credit for. This first installment isn’t all that scary but it is nevertheless brilliantly creative and made me want to see more.

If you’ve enjoyed today’s blog then be sure to click “follow” and tell your friends as I constantly review movies so a new blog-post should be just around the corner. I also have another blog where I write about all the crazy shit that has happened to me during the week called “Why Is Everyone So Fucking Stupid?” which is available to read here. If you create a WordPress account and click “follow” then you will be emailed every time a new blog is published so you will never miss an edition of Cool and Groovy, Sexy Movies or Why Is Everyone So Fucking Stupid?

Sicko (2007)

Date Watched: Jul 15th 2018

Verdict: THUMBS UP! 🙂

Thoughts:

I’ve always known that the US healthcare system is fucked but Sicko really emphasizes how it screws over so many different people on different levels (including those with health insurance). I love America but I could never see myself living there because I imagine that I would be living in constant fear of getting sick or injuring myself and having a giant bill to pay off, possibly for the rest of my life. It seems almost hack to compare a society to one imagined by George Orwell but really if you were to compare any system to one conjured up by the famous author this one would probably look the least out of place in one of his books (except maybe the disability benefit scheme in the UK). Right from the opening five minutes where we see that a man with severed fingers is given a choice reattach the middle finger for $60,000 or reattach the ring finger for $12,000, we get to see what an openly dystopian landscape the United States really is. In fact a whole section in the middle of the film is dedicated to showing what lengths the American people will go to in order to circumvent the ridiculous borders and boundaries of the US healthcare system in order to get the medicine and medical attention needed for them and their loved ones.

The part of the movie that particularly warmed my heart was where Moore shifts focus to my homeland of Great Britain to show how our NHS, without a doubt one of our greatest and magnanimous achievements, works. The fact that we Brits don’t have to constantly live in fear of illness or injury and have relatively easy access to medicine purely due to the fact that it is paid for many times over using our tax money is surely a sign that more countries, especially the USA should adopt this system with regards to healthcare (though if they did that would leave them with less taxpayer money to spend on guns). I am guilty of taking my beloved NHS for granted in the past but that all changed when the amazing NHS doctors saved my mother’s life in 2016 and aided her road to recovery and has now been strengthened by Mr Moore’s documentary showing me that millions of others wish they could be as privileged as we are. It also breaks my heart and boils my blood that the UK politicians hate the NHS and are actively trying to privatize it and I can only hope that Tony Benn’s prediction of a revolution if such a dismantling takes place comes true.

I really love the almost bittersweet moment at the end of the film where Moore discovers that the man who runs the biggest anti-Michael Moore website in the world is going to have to shut down the sit in order to pay his wife’s medical bills and so writes him a check anonymously to pay for it. His ideology of “we rather than me” is a beautiful sentiment to end the film on and one I think we can all empathize with and aspire towards.

This documentary horrified me but also reassured my faith in good hearted people in the world. I can only hope that more people see this film and take it’s message to heart.

If you’ve enjoyed today’s blog then be sure to click “follow” and tell your friends as I constantly review movies so a new blog-post should be just around the corner. I also have another blog where I write about all the crazy shit that has happened to me during the week called “Why Is Everyone So Fucking Stupid?” which is available to read here. If you create a WordPress account and click “follow” then you will be emailed every time a new blog is published so you will never miss an edition of Cool and Groovy, Sexy Movies or Why Is Everyone So Fucking Stupid?

Fahrenheit 9/11 (2004)

Date Watched: Jul 14th 2018

Verdict: THUMBS UP! 🙂

Thoughts:

This isn’t a horror movie but it may nevertheless be one of the scariest movies I’ve seen purely because it shows that the right people are capable of getting away with the most heinous of acts and face no punishment even when you wave the evidence of what they did right in their face. Before this movie I simply thought of George W Bush as an under-qualified simpleton but now I feel he should be added to the list of great movie villains.

I’ve admittedly never been a political person mainly because I largely think it’s pointless trying to argue with politicians since they have the power to suppress information and literally change the laws in order to suit their own desires, plus no matter how conclusive your evidence is they just change the subject and act like you don’t exist. Luckily there are people like Michael Moore who have more drive and determination than I do and that’s why we get powerful pieces of evidence like Fahrenheit 9/11. If you want clarification that politics is less about policy and promises and more about knowing the right person in the right place who can twist results in your favour then this movie will blow your mind.

Despite the title this movie doesn’t rotate entirely around the 9/11 attacks which I was surprisingly relieved about because I’ve seen enough “9/11 Was An Inside Job” videos to last a lifetime and I applaud Moore for not going the typical conspiracy route and trying to delve much deeper and get to the man behind the conspiracy rather than the conspiracy itself.

One major critique that gets labelled towards this movie is that it is biased and that there are no counter claims against what the film is accusing Bush of. However the simple reason that there are no counter arguments is because there aren’t any. How can you look at this movie and say that there is any possible defense for Bush when we plainly see that the man practically bought the 2000 election or that he was briefed that Bin Laden was planning to hijack planes and blow up buildings? In fact the film shows that Bush repeatedly cancelled plans for a 9/11 panel which would basically have investigated whether or not he had any possible connection to the attacks (The same happened the day after Pearl Harbor and the day after the JFK assassination).

This movie was always going to ruffle feathers and cause a divide between Bush supporters and clever people and I’m glad Moore had the balls to embrace all of the backlash and go all out with this movie.

If you’ve enjoyed today’s blog then be sure to click “follow” and tell your friends as I constantly review movies so a new blog-post should be just around the corner. I also have another blog where I write about all the crazy shit that has happened to me during the week called “Why Is Everyone So Fucking Stupid?” which is available to read here. If you create a WordPress account and click “follow” then you will be emailed every time a new blog is published so you will never miss an edition of Cool and Groovy, Sexy Movies or Why Is Everyone So Fucking Stupid?

Bowling For Columbine (2002)

Date Watched: Jul 13th 2018

Verdict: THUMBS UP! 🙂

Thoughts:

The two things that work best in Michael Moore’s favour is he is driven and determined to dig up information and consider information that others haven’t and also most people in positions of authority are fucking idiots and all it takes to prove this is to put a camera in front of them and ask them a simple question. This movie was so provocative and emotional and I was gripped and although parts of it are satirical and light hearted I was nevertheless terrified from the start.

I think the most terrifying thing about the movie is that pretty much all of the information Moore presents in the movie should be enough to convince even the most simpleminded of people that more guns are not the answer to gun violence. The simple fact that there are just as many people and guns in Canada and yet Canada’s gun murder and gun violence rate is much lower than that of America shows that America and it’s lack of restrictions and background checks are the problem. I think the scariest element of the movie is just how far people are willing to go in order to defend their use of guns even if they want to use them irresponsibly (This is illustrated perfectly early in the film when Moore gets a free gun for opening up an account at a bank and isn’t subjected to any kind of background check, and later when a man Moore is interviewing points a loaded pistol at his head and chuckles while doing it). Moore also brilliantly shoots down (no pun intended) the common tired excuses most Americans give when you bring up gun restrictions, blame video games, blame Marilyn Manson (Who’s “Keep Them Afraid” speech is a real highlight of the film). I also really like the “History of America” animated section, a brief moment of comic relief during the film that also manages to be resolutely satirical about how today’s gun laws came to be. South Park’s Matt Stone also gives a great but brief interview where he correctly states that if more kids were reassured that success in school is not an absolute necessity to be a success in life then perhaps what happened that day in Columbine wouldn’t have happened.

While being more about the issue of guns in general the film does spend a lengthy amount of time addressing the titular Columbine massacre. I’ve read about the massacre and seen several documentaries about it (Including this brilliant one called “Zero Hour”) but this one really hit home the real tragedy of the situation which is made more apparent by not just the creepy footage from inside the school but also when it becomes apparent just how relatively easy it would have been to prevent this horrific event.
I hate to use this term but this movie was a real eye opener for me. It’s a shame that more Americans don’t care as deeply about gun restrictions as Michael Moore cares about the subjects of his movies. Bowling For Columbine is insightful, clever, funny, scary and simply one of the best documentaries I have ever seen.

Favourite quotes:

Moore: Ghandi didn’t use any guns and he beat the British Empire

Moore: Should you have the right to have weapons grade plutonium?
Retard Interviewee: I think that should probably be restricted
Moore: So there should be some restrictions?
Retard Interviewee: Well there are wackos out there

If you’ve enjoyed today’s blog then be sure to click “follow” and tell your friends as I constantly review movies so a new blog-post should be just around the corner. I also have another blog where I write about all the crazy shit that has happened to me during the week called “Why Is Everyone So Fucking Stupid?” which is available to read here. If you create a WordPress account and click “follow” then you will be emailed every time a new blog is published so you will never miss an edition of Cool and Groovy, Sexy Movies or Why Is Everyone So Fucking Stupid?

Hot Tub Time Machine (2010)

Date Watched: Jul 12th 2018

Verdict: THUMBS UP! 🙂

Plot:

Three estranged, depressed friends—Adam Yates, who was dumped by his girlfriend; henpecked husband Nick Webber-Agnew working a dead-end job; and Lou Dorchen, who is a party animal in his 40s—reconnect when Lou is hospitalized for carbon monoxide poisoning. To cheer him up, Adam and Nick arrange for Lou to join them at Kodiak Valley Ski Resort, where the three enjoyed fun times in their youth; Adam’s reclusive nephew Jacob tags along. During a night of heavy drinking in their hotel room’s hot tub, the four douse the console with an illegal Russian energy drink called “Chernobly”.

The next day, the friends go skiing and, after many strange occurrences (1980s fashion, music videos on MTV and Michael Jackson still being black), they realize they have traveled back to 1986. Adam, Lou and Nick have also assumed their younger bodies: they appear normal to each other, but to others (and in their reflections) they look like their younger selves. Jacob’s appearance has not changed since he wasn’t born yet, though he occasionally flickers.

A cryptic hot tub repairman appears and warns them not to change anything, as it might affect history. To minimize the butterfly effect, the guys plan to re-enact their experiences. Adam has to break up with his girlfriend Jenny and get stabbed in the eye with a fork; Lou must pick a fight with and get beaten up by Blaine, a ski patrol bully; Nick must have sex with a groupie and give a poor performance with his band at an open mic event. They discover Jacob’s alcoholic mother Kelly, Adam’s sister, is also at the resort.

The guys find their tasks difficult; Lou gets punched to the floor by Blaine and loses his backpack, but realizes he must face him again later at night, so he reluctantly challenges Blaine again. Adam finds his attraction to Jenny reignited, but is distracted when he meets laid-back music journalist April during the resort’s Poison concert. Nick worries about cheating on his wife, even though the events occur before he even meets her. Later on, Lou tries to capitalize on his knowledge of football game outcomes; it works until he risks everything on a game-winning touchdown, only to have a squirrel from the resort (which he vomited on earlier) crash the field and ruin the play.

Jenny turns the tables on Adam when she initiates their breakup, but Adam soon re-encounters April; they break into a nearby home and become intimate. Nick changes his destiny by covering the more upbeat “Jessie’s Girl”, followed by a “preview version” of “Let’s Get It Started”. When the repairman informs Jacob that a chemical was the key to their time travel, Jacob realizes it was the Chernobly. The guys prevent Lou, once again beaten up without his friends, from falling off the rooftop. They go to Blaine’s cabin to search for the drink, during which Lou finds and seduces Kelly. When Jacob suddenly vanishes, the guys realize that Lou is Jacob’s father; after Lou and Kelly make love, Jacob reappears. Leaving Kelly, Lou finally assaults Blaine; the four friends retrieve the Chernobly and return to the hot tub where they create a vortex. Jacob and Nick enter the tub, but Lou decides to stay in 1986, admitting to Adam that his carbon monoxide poisoning was attempted suicide; knowing the future, he wants to make investments and be a good father to Jacob. Adam insists upon staying too, but Lou pushes him into the vortex at the last moment.

Back at the present, Adam, Nick, and Jacob discover that Lou has changed history by founding the immensely successful Lougle, which affords him a luxurious lifestyle with Kelly. Adam discovers that he is happily married to April, while Nick is a successful music producer married to a happy and caring wife. The guys reunite at Lou’s mansion with their families, satisfied with their new lives.

Thoughts:

Whenever I watch time machine related movies I’m constantly bogged down by the fact that most of them don’t seem to follow or stick to the rules that they invent but I think that’s not really the case with comedy time travel movies, with something like Hot Tub Time Machine you tend to be less fastidious about such things and just go along for the laughs.

The main four actors, some comics and some straight actors, work really well with each other. Although not particularly deep or layered they are really well fleshed out and their relationshps to one another and personal philosophies are really well defined. The Lou character, although unbelievably annoying and mostly unsympathetic, eventually grows on you mainly because you question why he is acting this way. I think we’ve seen this character before, a guy who’s just stuck in an infinate stage of arrested development. While all of his friends grew up and got on with their lives he wanted to “keep the party going” and you can see he is trying to drag his friends back with him (He reminds me of a more vulgar version of The Fonz). I liked the Nick character played by Craig Robinson too. Again we’ve seen this sort of character too, someone who is used as kind of a doormat and despite being mistreated himself he still wants to believe that there is good in people and tries to give them the benefit of the doubt which is evident in the way he feels about his cheating wife. You’d think that with Nick and Lou being the funniest characters that Adam (Played by John Cusack) would get lost in the shuffle but his story is actually pretty interesting too. Unfortunately by sheer coincidence I was checking my e-mails every single time Clark Duke was on screen so unfortunately I didn’t get to see his usual whiny voiced deer-in-a-headlights performance but on the plus side I did get an e-mail telling me I would get 20% off next time I visited Ed’s Easy Diner!

The “banter” between the leads gets a tad repetitive and grating after a while but there are still a lot of funny moment in the movie. I liked the constant teases of the bellboy losing his arm and the football game bet being ruined by the puke squirrel. The funniest part of the movie that made me laugh the most was where Nick calls up the 9 year old version of his cheating wife and verbally abuses her for breaking his heart.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to go into this film not expecting much due to it’s silly title but Hot Tub Time Machine is a good example of why you should never be judgmental of any movie no matter how silly it looks because they may very well be full of good characters and plenty of laughs.

Favourite quotes:

Nick: What colour is Michael Jackson?
Woman: Black
Nick: AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Jacob: I’ve had plenty of girlfriends and they’ve all been hot
Lou: You’ve had plenty of boyfriends and they’ve all been gay!

If you’ve enjoyed today’s blog then be sure to click “follow” and tell your friends as I constantly review movies so a new blog-post should be just around the corner. I also have another blog where I write about all the crazy shit that has happened to me during the week called “Why Is Everyone So Fucking Stupid?” which is available to read here. If you create a WordPress account and click “follow” then you will be emailed every time a new blog is published so you will never miss an edition of Cool and Groovy, Sexy Movies or Why Is Everyone So Fucking Stupid?

The Love Guru (2008)

Date Watched: Jul 11th 2018

Verdict: THUMBS UP! 🙂

Plot:

Guru Pitka is the #2 Guru in the world, after Deepak Chopra. A flashback shows that Pitka was an orphan, taught by Guru Tugginmypudha. When the twelve year old Pitka announces he wants to become a Guru so that girls will love him, Tugginmypudha puts a chastity belt on him until he can learn that loving himself is more important than being loved by others.

Pitka’s dream is to become the number #1 Guru and appear on The Oprah Winfrey Show. He lives a charmed life with thousands of followers, including the celebrities Jessica Simpson, Val Kilmer and Mariska Hargitay. His teachings, which involve simplistic acronyms and plays on words, are displayed in PowerPoint slide shows.

In Canada, Jane Bullard inherits the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey team, who are on a losing streak; her star player, Darren Roanoke, has been playing badly ever since his wife Prudence left him for the rival Los Angeles Kings player, Jacques “Lè Cocq” Grandé. Jane is a big fan of Pitka’s, and offers to pay him $2 million to patch up Darren’s marriage, so the team can win the Stanley Cup. Pitka’s agent tells him that if he succeeds, Oprah will have him on her show.

Pitka encourages the rival team to beat Darren up during a game, to distract him from his distress over his wife’s affair. Darren begins to play well but then gets suspended for the next two games after beating up Le Cocq, and hitting Coach Cherkov with a hockey puck.

Later, Pitka has dinner with Jane. He tries to kiss her, only to hear a ding on his chastity belt. Upset when he tells her their love cannot be, she runs out. Pitka advises Darren to write an apology to Prudence, and fights off a rooster to deliver the letter. After they lose three games, Coach Cherkoff berates Jane and punches Pitka in the groin. He is only slightly injured from hitting the chastity belt but Pitka moans and drops to the ground.

Pitka and Darren attempt a confrontation, but her invective ends up scaring both of them away. Pitka helps Darren realise that since his mother only showed him love when he succeeded he had grown to believe Prudence would only love him as long as he won. Pitka then drives himself and Darren to Niagara Falls for a “Heart to Heart”.

With time running out, Pitka distracts Le Cocq with his idol, Celine Dion, then tells Prudence that Darren stood up to his mom, encouraging her to return to her husband. During the lead up to the final game, Le Cocq, having heard that Darren cannot play with his mother in the audience, gets her to sing the national anthem, causing Darren to flee. At the airport on his way to guest on Oprah, Pritka sees the news on television and defies his agent by going back to help Darren.

After smoothing things over with his mother, Darren recovers until Le Cocq brags that Prudence prefers him in bed. Darren freezes and Pitka realizes he needs another distraction, which he provides by getting two elephants to have sex in the middle of the rink, in front of the live television audience.

Darren wakes up from his stupor and scores the winning goal. After the game, Pitka makes up with Jane and Coach Cherkov, then meets Deepak Chopra and decides that he is fine with being the first Guru Pitka instead of the next Deepak Chopra.

Back in India, Guru Tugginmypudha tells Pitka that he has finally learned to love himself and removes Pitka’s chastity belt, revealing there was a hook in the back. The film ends with Jane and Pitka dancing together in a Bollywood style number to a rendition of “The Joker”.

Thoughts:

The only thing I knew going into this movie was that it got slaughtered by critics and audiences when it was released (with some declaring it one of the worst comedies of all time) and that it also “won” a shitload of Razzie Awards. I went in expecting to be bored senseless and Lord have mercy on me I laughed my arse off at this movie. Yes it’s completely juvenile from start to finish and relies entirely on silly sex based humour, not the sophisticated silly sex based humour of Austin Powers but the kind of silly sex grade humour 15 year old boys come up with in the playground. However I have always been incredibly juvenile and immature and this brand of humour has always appealed to me especially if it goes all the way like this movie does. I know that admitting that I laughed a lot at this movie probably tells you that I am not fit to critique comedy because if I’ll laugh at this level of humour then I’ll probably laugh at anything but I can’t help what I find funny. I’m not going to brand something unfunny just because most people think it is. The great thing about comedy is that it speaks to you and it is ingrained in your DNA, you don’t get to choose what you find funny anymore than you get to choose your race or sexuality. The bottom line is this movie made me laugh my fucking arse off.

Mike Myers has has got wacky, juvenile humour down to an art-from (yes I just referred to The Love Guru as “art”). I’m well aware that this movie doesn’t have the kind of satire and edge that the Austin Powers movies had. Part of me also thinks that Myers created the Guru Pitka character in order to get as far away from the Austin Powers character as he could in order to challenge himself. I can imagine him thinking “What’s the furthest thing away from a sex obsessed secret agent? Well a celebrate guru of course”). I can see why this film didn’t appeal to audiences in the way Austin Powers did but I still stand by it. For one I think that a lot of the humour in the film is down to Guru Pitka. He makes such stupid, unfunny jokes but the fact that he giggles at every single one of them is what garners the laughs. For instance if the line “If your Uncle Jack helped you off an elephant would you help your Uncle Jack off an elephant?” doesn’t seem that funny but when it’s delivered by an idiot who then pisses himself laughing at his own stupid joke, it becomes funny for some reason. Everything in this movie is done with a knowing stupidity and an unseen wink to the audience that the movie knows how fucking stupid it is. From the opening 9 to 5 cover (Which, God help me again I actually bought on iTunes and contend is better than Dolly Parton’s original), to the pointless cameos from celebrities including Jessica Simpson and Val Kilmer. I also like the in-jokes scattered throughout the film such as when Pitka and Darren are flicking through the radio stations in the car and for a second Bohemian Rhapsody comes on and Pitka smiles at the audience in a loving reference to Wayne’s World.

I can’t quite put my finger on why the Hell I find this movie so damn hilarious when seemingly everything it does is in stark contrast to the kind of stuff that usually makes me laugh (and I think I’m going to have to really study the movie to come up with a concrete answer) but I unapologetically find this movie utterly hilarious.

Favourite quotes:

Guru Tugginmypudha: Maurice, speak of your parents
Pitka: My parents are dead. They were missionaries
Guru Tugginmypudha: And what did they do before then?
Pitka: They were dog stylists
Guru Tugginmypudha: So let me get this straight: they were into doggy style before the missionary position. AHAHAHA
Pitka: That’s hilarious, my parents are dead, thanks

If you’ve enjoyed today’s blog then be sure to click “follow” and tell your friends as I constantly review movies so a new blog-post should be just around the corner. I also have another blog where I write about all the crazy shit that has happened to me during the week called “Why Is Everyone So Fucking Stupid?” which is available to read here. If you create a WordPress account and click “follow” then you will be emailed every time a new blog is published so you will never miss an edition of Cool and Groovy, Sexy Movies or Why Is Everyone So Fucking Stupid?

The Old Dark House (1932)

Date Watched: Jul 10th 2018

Verdict: THUMBS UP! 🙂

Plot:

Philip Waverton (Raymond Massey), his wife Margaret (Gloria Stuart), and their friend Roger Penderel (Melvyn Douglas) are lost while driving at night in a heavy storm. They come upon an old house in the Welsh countryside where they receive shelter by Horace Femm (Ernest Thesiger) and his sister Rebecca (Eva Moore). Horace fears that the storm will trap the guests inside while warning them that their mute butler Morgan (Boris Karloff) is a dangerous heavy drinker. Rebecca escorts Margaret to a bedroom to change clothes, and tells her about the Femm family, which Rebecca says was sinful and godless; she accuses Margaret of being sinful as well. Rebecca reveals that her 102-year-old father, Sir Roderick Femm (Elspeth Dudgeon), still lives in the house.

During dinner, the group are joined Sir William Porterhouse (Charles Laughton) and a chorus girl with the stage name Gladys DuCane (Lilian Bond) who also seek refuge from the storm. As the group chats by the fireplace, Gladys reveals her real last name is Perkins. Roger and Gladys go to retrieve some whiskey from his car. The electric lights go out and Rebecca tells Horace to get a lamp from an upstairs landing. Horace is afraid to go upstairs, so Philip goes instead. As he fetches the lamp, he notices a locked room and hears a voice coming from another room. William goes to help Rebecca close a window, leaving Margaret alone. Morgan, now drunk, attacks her and chases her up the stairs to Philip, who is coming down with the lamp. Philip throws the lamp at Morgan, knocking him down the stairs.

Roger and Gladys begin flirting while they drink and smoke. Gladys says her relationship with William is platonic, and suggests she should live with Roger instead. They go back to the house, where they wake up William and tell him about their new romance. Meanwhile, Philip and Margaret go into the room where he heard the voice; they find Roderick Femm there. He warns them about his eldest son, Saul (Brember Wills), a crazed pyromaniac kept in the locked room. Philip and Margaret discover that Morgan has let Saul out; they go downstairs to warn the other guests. Morgan comes downstairs and charges at Margaret. Philip and William drag Morgan into the kitchen while Rebecca flees to her bedroom. Roger tells Margaret and Gladys to hide in a closet. Saul comes downstairs and knocks Roger out. Saul steals a burning branch from the fireplace and sets fire to a curtain before Roger awakes. They fight and fall off a landing; Saul is killed and Roger injured. Morgan breaks out of the kitchen and returns to the main room. He frees Margaret and Gladys from the closet before taking Saul’s body upstairs.

The next morning, the storm has stopped. Saul’s attempt at burning the house has caused little damage. Philip and Margaret leave to get an ambulance, while Gladys and William stay behind to tend to Roger’s injuries. Roger awakes and asks Gladys to marry him.

Thoughts:

I have to admit that the reason I watched this movie is because I had fallen behind with my reviews and I wanted a movie to watch that had a fairly shot run time. I wasn’t expecting much out of this movie but I have to say it has a lot more going for it than just it’s very appealing 70 minute run time, it’s a really good example of how to create mood in a movie.

90% of this film’s appeal is the way that it creates a brilliant sense of dread and unease throughout. It mainly does this through it’s constant use of howling winds to illustrate the storm, the excellent use of shadow and light to create an unsafe feeling in the audience and the great acting talent of the cast who do a great job of making you understand the fear their characters are experiencing. I’m always impressed with films that manage to get a reaction out of audience just out of suggesting that something ominous is lurking and not necessarily having to show it. Most of the movie we are just left to guess and speculate what might be hiding in the darkness. Strangely enough you’d think that the second half of the film would undo all of the great mood building that the first half does because we slowly reveal that the most dangerous thing in the house is the butler (who really only acts the way he does because he is shitfaced, not necessarily because he is evil) and the film has a relatively happy ending. You’d think these two directions would make the first half seem redundant but the mood it creates in the first half is so powerful and effective that it stays with you throughout.

One criticism I have with the movie is that I would have preferred it if it had taken more of a supernatural direction in order to fit with the mood. Having the element of realism it has now is fine but I can’t help but feel that some sort of ghost story would have been a better suiting plot for this director who clearly had a gift for producing Gothic horror.
What really surprised me about the film was the fact that it was a flop when it was released. I find this hard to believe because here I am praising this film’s ability to build a mood and scare people in 2018, audiences in 1932 were still fairly knew to cinema so they should have been terrified by this movie. Plus it contains some great performances by a who’s who of Hollywood actors from Boris Karloff to Charles Laughton to Gloria Stuart (Who went on to play Old Rose in Titanic). Luckily this film gained a better reputation as the years went on and rightfully so. I hope more people do seek this film out because it is a gem of the cinema that deserves a wider audience.

If you’ve enjoyed today’s blog then be sure to click “follow” and tell your friends as I constantly review movies so a new blog-post should be just around the corner. I also have another blog where I write about all the crazy shit that has happened to me during the week called “Why Is Everyone So Fucking Stupid?” which is available to read here. If you create a WordPress account and click “follow” then you will be emailed every time a new blog is published so you will never miss an edition of Cool and Groovy, Sexy Movies or Why Is Everyone So Fucking Stupid?

Wimbledon (2004)

Date Watched: Jul 9th 2018

Verdict: THUMBS DOWN! 😦

Plot:

Peter Colt, a British professional tennis player in his thirties whose ranking has slipped from 11th to 119th in the world, has never really had to fight for anything, as his wealthy family allowed him to easily pursue his tennis ambitions. Though he earns a wildcard spot to the Wimbledon tournament, he feels it’s time to admit he’s getting too old to compete with fitter up-and-coming younger players and intends, after this last Wimbledon, to take a job with a prestigious tennis club.

As Wimbledon begins, he bumps into Lizzie Bradbury, the American rising star of female tennis. They fall in love and her interest in him changes his entire perception, even giving him the strength to win again. As their love grows, Peter’s game becomes better and better. Lizzie’s overprotective father-manager Dennis Bradbury is determined to nip their relationship in the bud, believing it detrimental to her career. One day, Dennis comes to Peter’s old flat and yells at him for spoiling his daughter’s game. She overhears this and decides to leave him and focus on her game.

The night before their semi-final matches, Peter sneaks into Lizzie’s hotel room and persuades her to have sex. The next day, he performs above expectations and wins in straight sets, but Lizzie loses. Lizzie angrily breaks up with Peter, claiming his selfishness made her lose, and she decides to immediately return to the U.S. to train.

Peter has to play the final match against Jake Hammond, an arrogant American star and world number 1. At the airport, Lizzie watches an interview on TV in which Peter apologizes and declares his love for her. She returns to Wimbledon.

As Lizzie reaches the stadium, Peter has lost two sets in the final and is behind in the third. When the game is suspended due to rain, Lizzie appears in the dressing room and forgives him. She tells him the secret of Jake’s tricky serves and Peter fights back to win the title (3–6, 2–6, 6–4, 7–6(8-6), 6–4). Now a national hero in Britain, he and Lizzie get married. With his support, Lizzie goes on to win the U.S. Open and Wimbledon twice, ultimately achieving her dreams. In the last scene, Peter is with their youngest child, a boy, watching Lizzie and their eldest child, a girl, playing tennis together on a neighborhood court in New York City.

Thoughts:

The fact that I see at least two copies of this movie in every single charity shop I go in made me think that it probably wasn’t very good but  while I was surprised by how charming the movie is, it’s still about as standard and formulaic as romantic comedies go.

I will say that Kirsten Dunst and Paul Bettany are good actors and at times in this movie have great onscreen chemistry but for the most part their characters seem so bland and dull characters don’t do any favours to a dull story. The film also couldn’t keep me interested with its sporting action because I don’t give a shit about tennis. That’s not to say I dismiss all movies just because their central premise doesn’t interest me as I love the Rocky movies despite not being a huge boxing fan and likewise I would be hugely critical if someone chose not to watch The Wrestler just because they weren’t wrestling fans since both of those stories are more about character and emotion than about the central sports. But unfortunately this movie failed to get me to care about either the sport or the characters

There are occasional highlights but I still felt I had seen this kind of movie and these types of characters a million times before. There’s really no reason to recommend this movie as it just feels like it’s all been done before.

If you’ve enjoyed today’s blog then be sure to click “follow” and tell your friends as I constantly review movies so a new blog-post should be just around the corner. I also have another blog where I write about all the crazy shit that has happened to me during the week called “Why Is Everyone So Fucking Stupid?” which is available to read here. If you create a WordPress account and click “follow” then you will be emailed every time a new blog is published so you will never miss an edition of Cool and Groovy, Sexy Movies or Why Is Everyone So Fucking Stupid?

See No Evil, Hear No Evil (1989)

Date Watched: Jul 8th 2018

Verdict: THUMBS UP! 🙂

Plot:

A blind man named Wallace “Wally” Karew (Richard Pryor) and a deaf man named David “Dave” Lyons (Gene Wilder) meet when Wally applies for a job in Dave’s New York City concession shop.

After a brief period of confusion and antagonism, Wally and Dave become close friends. Dave reads lips and guides Wally when they travel, and Wally tells Dave about invisible sounds and what people say behind his back. At a local bar, Wally defeats an aggressive bully in a fistfight with assistance from Dave, who uses clock-face directions to tell Wally where his opponent is. Dave hires Wally.

One morning, as Wally waits outside for the day’s newspapers, a man walks into Dave’s shop. When the man is approached by a beautiful woman named Eve (Joan Severance), he quickly removes a gold coin from a suitcase and places it in a box of coins sitting on the counter. The woman takes the suitcase and shoots the man in the stomach as Dave – whose back is turned – reads the information on a box of antacid pills. Dave neither sees nor hears the shooting, but he notices Eve’s legs as she leaves the shop. Wally, who heard the gunshot, walks into the shop and trips over the man’s dead body. Dave then rushes to help Wally and picks up the gun, which Eve left at the scene. When the police arrive, they find Dave and Wally standing over the body with Dave holding the gun. Before they are arrested, Dave tells Wally to collect the coins from the box.

At the police station, Dave and Wally are interrogated by Captain Braddock (Alan North), a detective who immediately takes a dislike to them and makes them his prime suspects due to their relative uselessness as witnesses. When Eve and her accomplice Kirgo (Kevin Spacey) – hoping to recover the coin – arrive to bail them out by posing as attorneys, Wally recognizes Eve’s perfume and Dave recognizes her legs, but Braddock ignores them when they insist that she is the killer. Wishing to avoid Eve and Kirgo when they are released, Dave and Wally escape from the police station, but the criminals soon find them. Eve takes the coin from Wally’s pocket and telephones her boss Mr. Sutherland (Anthony Zerbe) for instructions, allowing Dave to learn the criminals’ plans by reading her lips. When Kirgo tries to kill Dave and Wally, they use the fistfighting method they learned in the bar to knock him unconscious. They then steal an unattended police car, and drive away with Eve, Kirgo and Braddock chasing them. Working together to guide the patrol car, Dave and Wally evade both the police and the criminals, but they accidentally launch the car onto a waterborne garbage barge.

After hiding the police car, the two men walk to a motel and telephone Wally’s sister Adele (Kirsten Childs) for help. The police follow Adele and search her motel room, but she, Wally, and Dave avoid detection, and they drive away after the police have left. Having incorrectly read Eve’s lips, Dave believes they need to find a woman named “Grace George”, but Adele realizes that Eve must have been referring to a resort called “Great Gorge”. At the resort, before Wally impersonates a visiting professor while Dave steals the coin from Eve. Meanwhile, Adele distracts Kirgo by crashing her car into his. However, Kirgo and Eve kidnap Adele and take her to Sutherland’s estate.

After a tragic mishap with the car, Dave and Wally put their rescue plan into action, with the result that Adele escapes but the two men are captured. In his study, Sutherland – who is also blind – reveals that the coin is a room-temperature superconductor, which is extremely valuable. Kirgo and Sutherland are killed during an argument over sharing the profits from the coin’s theft, after which Dave and Wally escape the study and have a violent altercation with Eve and her helicopter pilot. When the police arrive, the remaining criminals are arrested, and Wally and Dave are released having been cleared of the charges. Shortly thereafter, the two men go to a local park and reprise a scene from the beginning of the film by dumping ice-cream cones on each other’s head, enjoying each other’s company.

Thoughts:

Sometimes in movies you come across really odd pairings that you would never think of combining in a million years but for some reason they just work brilliantly and the pairing of Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor is one of these odd pairings. These two men were from very different backgrounds, had very different brands of humour, very different approaches and in general came from different worlds but for some reason whenever they were on screen together it led to comedy gold. This is evident in the fact that, If I’m being completely honest outside of the high concept See No Evil, Hear No Evil feels a bit bland and run of the mill and despite clearly intended to be a comedy the film doesn’t contain that many laugh out loud scenes (The only parts that made me laugh were Pryor’s lines “YOU MEAN I’M NOT WHITE?!!” “I don’t know what you’re looking for but it’s a little to the right”and “I suppose a fuck is out of the question?”) but it’s the performances of Pryor and Wilder that really props the movie up and more than covers it’s shortcomings. In the hands of any other actors I think this movie would just feel like a complete flop.

I have similar feelings about this film hat I have about the Beverly Hills Cop movies and the Rush Hour franchise in that I don’t find them all that funny but other aspects of the movie are done so well that I enjoy the films even if they fail in their original intent which was to make me laugh. In the case of See No Evil, Hear No Evil it’s the performances of Pryor and Wilder and also the brilliant action sequences. The car chases and the final act with the confrontation in the condo and subsequent escape attempt are really well done. I also like the way that they take the central concept of a blind man meeting a deaf man and quite brilliantly manage to interweave it into this rather complex heist thriller story.

So while I wouldn’t be able to recommend this if you were looking for an all out comedy I would recommend it to anyone who enjoys good crime films, chase films, heist movies or thrillers because this movie is all four while also providing a few decent laughs along the way.

If you’ve enjoyed today’s blog then be sure to click “follow” and tell your friends as I constantly review movies so a new blog-post should be just around the corner. I also have another blog where I write about all the crazy shit that has happened to me during the week called “Why Is Everyone So Fucking Stupid?” which is available to read here. If you create a WordPress account and click “follow” then you will be emailed every time a new blog is published so you will never miss an edition of Cool and Groovy, Sexy Movies or Why Is Everyone So Fucking Stupid?